I am blogging again! I have continued writing, just haven't been putting it on here.  Circumstances have changed again, and I am able to come back to blogging.  Here's what I wrote yesterday at the women's meeting at church.

Burning Fire

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s burning out the weeds

So the fruit of God can grow.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s purifying the silver,

It’s cleaning the gold.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s clearing the way

For me to see God’s face.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It isn’t doing me any harm,

But it makes me feel safe and warm.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s the fire of God, through the Holy Ghost,

Cleansing me, making me whole.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s God’s cleansing fire,

Burning brighter and brighter.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

Filling the emptiness in me with love,

The love of our Father above.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

Teaching me who I should really trust:

God, our Father and His Son Jesus.

You Are

You pick me up when I fall,

And carry me when I can’t even crawl.

When from you I stray,

You love me anyway.

You welcome me back with open arms,

And make me feel loved, safe, and warm.

You nourish my soul,

So I can become whole.

You give me peace in times of chaos.

You are the One I completely trust.

You are my Savior, my God, my King,

And I owe you everything.

You are forever faithful, forever true,

And you have made me a part of you.

You are my Lord, my God, my King,

The Creator of everything.

You are God, Ancient of Days, the I AM,

And I worship you in every way I can.

Amen

More Time

Of all the gifts you have to give,
You gave me more time to live.

It has changed my attitude
To one of great gratitude.

You reached down with your hand,
And are guiding me to your promised land.

You shelter me in your strong tower,
And fill me with your unique power.

You saved me from the dead,
And help me hold up my head,

To glorify you,
Abba Father, so faithful and true.

Who Are You?

You are the sun that brightens my day.
You are the moon that lights my way.
You are the stars, keeping watch over me.
You are the green grass that tickles my feet.
You are the breeze that caresses my skin.
You are the tall trees standing strong against the wind.
You are the gurgling brook, singing a happy song.
You are the rushing river, with many things riding along.
You are the ocean, so vast, and deep, and wide.
You are my shadow, always at my side.
You are the song coming from my heart.
You are the flowers, with beauty that never departs.
You are someone I can fully trust.
Who are you?  Jesus.

A New Life

Almost three weeks ago I moved to Atlantic, Iowa, to be with Byron, my fiancee'.  We're getting married later this summer.  Now that the craziness of packing, moving and unpacking is ending, I have time to start writing again.  Byron feels very strongly that I need to continue writing, and is encouraging me to do so.  So it's time to get back to blogging.  I know I'll feel good if I'm writing too.

So much has happened in the last three years, it's hard for me to comprehend all of it sometimes. And now, here I am, starting another new chapter of my life.  I never imagined I would be getting married again.  I've been single for over 20 years!  Byron is so sweet, and very considerate of me.  Sometimes I think I am dreaming.  When I first met him, a voice in my head said, "I'm going to marry him!"  I had to look around to make sure I didn't say it out loud.  That was September 28.  On December 7, he proposed.  God has granted the biggest desire of my heart: to have a husband who loves me just as I am.  The cancer didn't matter, the mastectomy didn't matter.  Who I am is what matters to Byron.  His comment when I told him about the cancer was that our bodies are a dress to our soul.  If I hadn't already known I was going to marry him, that response alone would have sold me.

So here I am, in Iowa, on a new chapter of my life.  I had been resigned to being alone the rest of my life.  Instead, I get to finish it with a man who loves me just the way I am.  I love him so much.  Thank you, God, for putting him into my life.  I am so glad you always have the best for me.

This morning when I was watching the robin who has a nest in our carport, I thought about how vigilant she always is.  Whenever the door is opened, she flies away.  I figure it's to draw attention away from her nest and eggs.  If I could, I would get up there and take a couple of pictures.  It is exciting to watch her, knowing she's getting ready for her little ones.  New life.  How wonderful it is.

New life.  How many have I had?  So many chapters in my life, and each one so different from the last.  So many things have changed, and I am not the person I was last year, or ten years ago, or even yesterday.  Each day I begin as a new person, with a clean page to fill with the story of my life.  I want so much to have it be a good story, interesting and encouraging.  Sometimes I wonder if it is, and then decide to just keep on going.  Smile at that person I don't know.  Tell someone they look really nice today.  Call the person I'm thinking about and talk with them.  Just do the little things I can do.  I may never be able to do something great, but I can do the little things.  A listening ear.  A hug.  A cup of coffee.  A shawl.  Things that make a person's day better, and lets them know God loves them.  I guess it's time for me to get out and meet some people and start living this new life in Atlantic, Iowa.  I'll let you know how things go.

Be blessed, because God is in the blessing business.  All we have to do is accept them.

I've Been Here

I've Been Here

I've fallen into the abyss of darkness and despair.

I need to find the light, but I don't know where.

It's so dark where I am.

I want out, but I don't think I can.

Everyone's so busy with their own lives.

I think I'll crawl under something and hide.

No one sees my tears.

No one knows my fears.

As it gets darker day by day,

It's harder and harder to find a way

To get out of this pit

That I don't like one bit.

No one helps, no one seems to care.

Where can I get help? Where?

Is it really so hard to distinguish

Normal tears from tears of pain and anguish?

I thought of killing myself,

Because no one could, or wanted, to help.

Then a tiny spark of light appeared.

Someone truly listened and began to hear,

Saw the darkness of the tears and fears,

Got me help,

So I wouldn't kill myself.

I learned to screen out the bad things I heard;

Learned to listen and read the Living Word.

I learned to seek the light that could guide my way,

Little by little, more every day.

I found my way out of that dark abyss.

It was hard work, but I won, bit by bit.

I stand on the solid Rock now.

I climb back on when I fall down.

I still have many trials and tests,

But I want to give God my best.

He is with me all the time.

More than once He has saved my life.

Many don't understand my devotion.

They don't understand my dedication.

I don't tell much of my story,

But when I do, I give God the glory.

I should be dead.

I'm here instead.

My heart is filled with gratitude

For all that God can do.

What a Year!

I haven't posted for a year, which is sad.  But it's been a year of battles, and I was not thinking about keeping them posted on here.  Facebook after every doctor visit was enough.

It is through God's amazing grace that I am still here.  After the diagnosis that the cancer was back, things went quickly.  From a doctor visit to a CAT scan to the hospital for tests to having a portacath inserted into my chest to chemo in a matter of two weeks.  Eight chemo treatments, and I went into remission.  Now, monthly hormone shots for the rest of my life, and an infusion to help my bones every four months.  From not walking without assistance to being able to walk a little over a  mile almost every day.  From coughing a LOT to almost no cough at all.  But amazingly, thanks to God's grace, no other illnesses during this entire time...no colds, no flu, nothing.  How wonderful is our God?

I found out after I was in remission that I was dying when I first went in.  If I had not gone to the doctor when I had, I would not be here today.  But today, when people ask me how I'm doing, my answer is:  "I have more good days than bad."  I can overcome pain most of the time with ibuprofen.  When I asked for a refill of the pain meds, I asked for half the number of pills so they wouldn't have to be thrown away.  Why get 30 pills when I only need one once a month or so?

I'm eating healthier than ever before.  My glucose levels are almost down to normal, my cholesterol levels are stable although not as low as the doctors would like, and the weight is slowly going down (although not as fast as I would like!).  Not working has taken so much stress out of my life, it's amazing.  I attend a church I like, although I haven't had a chance to meet too many people yet.  One of my poems is going to be put to music at the church!  I'm excitedly waiting for that to be finished.  And life in general is good.  I am content with where I am, but also looking into going into business for myself so I can get off disability.  I can't handle a regular job...I can't sit too long and I can't stand too long.  Working at home will be one way of not depending on disability and building towards my future.  God is putting things in order and I know that if I do my part I will be successful at it.

My oncologist is very good.  My prognosis is very good.  He tells me that as long as I am knitting I will be fine.  The knitting and crocheting help me stay focused.  I don't worry about myself, and I pray for whomever will be getting the item I'm making.  Good things all around.

So I'll be posting more poetry here again.  And though I'm not writing as much as I was, it is still good.  And I am thankful to God for walking through this trial with me so that I can write so well.  He is so awesome.  There were a lot of days when He was carrying me, but now I am even dancing with Him sometimes, as long as I'm careful.  But I also believe I have another 40 or 50 years here on this earth, and I want Him to be very pleased with me.  I know I have more tests coming my way.  They are a fact of this life.  But during all the battles these last 21 months, I know this:  That my reality may be I have cancer, but the TRUTH is that I have the divine health of the Lord.

Be blessed.

Mary